I’ve been neglecting this journal.  It’s entirely my own fault.

Aylin broke down and cried today for the first time in what seems like forever.  She doesn’t know what to think anymore, so she comes to me for help, but I’ll be damned if I know what’s going on either.

I am not a hostage negotiator–I don’t even know who is holding who (or if any crime has been committed).

Perhaps this is not something I ought to be committing to print, but sorting things out in my head doesn’t seem to be working, and typing is easier than writing by hand.

Aylin seems so superficial, so preoccupied with her own petty amusements that all she radiates is a terrible emotional distance.  She comes across as stupid because that is the wall which is easiest to maintain.  She’s afraid of pain, so instead she’s chosen the life of the numb.  But this was not always the case.

To hell with it, she loved him, Arjuna, too much for her own good.  It ought to have been obvious from the beginning that he did not love her back, that perhaps he did not even like her, but I was not around then and love makes people stupid.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s all I’m really good for: objectivity.

He spurned her, twice.  Each time she went running back, like a spaniel named Helena, and each time she was greeted with what seemed like open arms (but were really gaping jaws?).  And then the shit hit the fan hard enough for Aylin to notice.  She cowered and prodded for a while, and eventually gave up trying to get into Demetrius’ good graces (for Helena and Hermia are not friends in this tale).

All the while she loved, and mourned, and tried to forget.  Then Helena found her own love and all should be well.

But it isn’t.

Demetrius won’t stop talking, and Helena can’t stop listening (though the words sear her ears) and wondering if he’s talking about her.  He was always difficult to decipher, and even more so now that all context has been lost.

She’s started mourning again and helplessly scattering bits of herself about, and it it up to I, Hazael, to put her back together again.

I’m tempted just to go and beg for a sign from our petulant deity, Lord Arjuna.  Something, anything, to set myself at ease…