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{Dream-logic rarely succeeds.}Archive for November, 2007
This is why I’m not religious.
I’ve made myself unnecessarily lonely.
A year or two ago I read through Robert A(nson) Heinlein’s “Stranger in a Strange Land” and attempted (in an entirely unsophisticated manner) to dissect the Church of All Worlds. On some level I suppose it did appeal to me at first. Valentine Michael Smith, the beautiful man from Mars, taught us that “thou art God” and of the interconnect nature of things. Somewhere, back in the furthest reaches of our minds and the universe we are all wonderful in our own way.
But listening to aging hippies ramble about free love gets old after a while. And a paradox of sorts had occured to me. The CoAW emphasizes the importance of the individual, but in order to become one of them it was necessary to essentially give up what made you, you. In order to love and be loved and understand the soul you had to forfeit a portion of your own. It was a sort of utopian communism in the guise of a religion. And even if giving yourself over to the ideals of the stranger was not a bothersome thought, there was no guarantee that you would even be accepted. For all their preaching of “oneness”, only the chosen few could enter the church itself, much less any ring of the religious hierarchy.
I was not perfect. I had no personal charisma to speak of. I was a different kind of stranger, one who observed as Smith did but could not comment. I was a product of my society, not some Martian utopia, and even if I was hardly ecstatic about it, my mood was still far from one of complete discontent.
In a high school English class I read Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis”. The idea of existentialism then became the principle thought weighing on my mind. I fancied myself an intellectual of sorts, so the idea of being responsible for my own destiny, the “master of my domain” was more appealing than belonging ever had. I was an angsty teenager who sincerely believed that I was alone. That everyone else was an idiot. I’m not proud of it, but it was true.
Certainly I had friends. I was never prepared for the level of absurdity and exile necessary to become a cockroach living underneath a couch. And besides, there was always the issue that the mind and destiny I was supposed to be controlling was not entirely mine. The enthusiasm for decision making wore off considerably when it became apparent that I would be constantly looking for clearance from “higher up”.
So I hid, and quite well for all it is worth. I have Kitty and E, and for a time I had the Captain.
I have made myself unnecessarily lonely, but I am not alone.
Walking on the Level
I’m reporting E’s dreams for her now. Why? I cannot say, but I’m doing it nonetheless.
Apparently the one last night involved a lot of climbing around on the tops of book shelves and rafters of a particularly ecclecticaly designed library that was once an old warehouse. This activity following the fact that Zagreus had encountered some sort of ninja master who had taught him how to do all sorts of insane acrobatics (including being able to climb just about anything). E then decided, having seen Zagreus sitting up in the highest level of rafters, that she wanted to learn how to as well.
For her the climbing didn’t work out so well, so she ended up going to sit up against a wall in this sort of loft-type place with a couple couches and a large impressionist painting where all of the punks hung out. One of them asked her why her boyfriend hadn’t shown up to that particular place lately. Her only answer was “I don’t know, he’s off climbing book shelves somewhere. I’m not his keeper. And he’s not really my boyfriend either.” The reply of the one who asked was “Yeah right.” as if to insinuate that he really was her boyfriend.
According to E this is the second or third dream she’s had take place in this library, and definately not the first to involve climbing and that loft with all the punks in it.
Renewal and hanging on
By this time next year I’ll be in college.
(sooner than that, really, but the thought only just occured to me today)
I’ve never actually met anyone who reinvented themself the summer before they started college (except perhaps Haruhi, but her “transformation” was really little more than an exercise in self-deprivation). I know it happens on some level, I know of people who have don’t so, but I’ve never had a chance to sit down with one of them and have a conversation. It seems to me that it would be a worthwhile sort of thing to do. Certainly they’d probably be somewhat reluctant to discuss the person they used to be, but anything I could get out of them would be useful.
How well did it work?
Would there be any point in trying it before college?
Birthdays are, as far as I’ve been able to gather, about getting older. Moving on in life. Renewal. Kind of like New Year’s, only on a more personal level. Supposedly I’m an adult now. From a legal standpoint I am (meaning that I can now buy porn, but not the substance that would actually allow me enjoy it, namely alcohol, so what’s the point?), but emotionally?
For the love of god, no.
I’m more emotionally mature than most people I know. For instance Kai’s younger sister whom I’m still certain is at least two years younger than myself, of E who still throws a mental/public snit fit when things don’t go her way. And yet…
I suppose my hope is that revamping myself slightly will get me across this particular burning bridge. Perhaps the new Moriarty will be able to leave home and hell and everyone else (and E?) behind without leaving a key under the welcome mat… just in case.
Of course, I’m a born worrier. That’s how these sorts of things always work. What if starting over makes my attachments worse, as if restarting does more than that, it resets?
I prefer myself in this somewhat less infantile state, thank-you.
Ah… and that is my thought of the day.
On another note: what the hell is up with Zagreus?
That man worries far more than he should about E. More than her mother even, and that is frightening. It’s kind of sweet, in a way, however (and this is where I can’t believe I’m saying this…). It’s pretty obvious he’s terrified of losing her for any reason whatsoever. Be it prolonged illness, butting in on her affairs, or just moving too fast in their “relationship”. Moving? They’re stuck at a bloody standstill and there aren’t even any roadblocks. Since the kiss (if it can be called that, more like a banging together of heads) they haven’t actually conversed for more than 2 minutes at any given time. If I thought it was on purpose, I’d almost say they’re avoiding each other. But E wants to repeat that scene as soon as possible, likely on a couch at the Lyric, assuming anything good ever plays (as TMBG says, I want another first kiss).
Love is infuriating.
[you can have no idea how glad I am I've never been in love, not really. though, there is kitty. but no.]
Is this just a phase?
So Zagreus and E are dating for the second time now.
After lots of running around and spouting nonsense on both their parts (not helped along at all by myself, I must admit) they’ve finally come to the conclusion that just getting over themselves and admitting their idiotic feelings is the best way to go. So E finally kissed Zagreus (on the cheek), which led to a long and involved and doubtlessly heart-felt discussion. They practically fell asleep on the couch (apparently Zagreus makes a good pillow) and attempted to settle into a make-out session on the front porch.
That didn’t really work out. Partially because Zagreus just isn’t a very good kisser to begin with (not that he’s had much practice… nor has E) and E has too damn much hair.
But, at the least the emotional-tension is gone. Now it’s just the sexual-tension that needs to be dealt with.
And believe me, there is PLENTY of that.
